she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
