Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
