If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
