I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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