i wish my penis had a tongue
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
