There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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