When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I smell stomach acid.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
