operation have a gay friend backfired
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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