tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
