sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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