So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
don't judge my taste in strippers
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
