I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
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If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize