Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
