Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
