i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
