My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
