He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
