There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
