the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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