it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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