you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
