I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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