Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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