Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
