It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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