This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
