So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
