i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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