I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
