I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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