and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
