dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
