Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
