I need to stop coming to work sober
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dignity is for republicans.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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