I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
