Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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