The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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