1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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