she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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