Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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