nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
