He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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