How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
