You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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