I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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