Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my shit smells like andre
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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