If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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