I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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