so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
