GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
