No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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