to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
