My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
