did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
