I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
