Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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